WHO’S THE CRAZY LADY IN THE CORNER?

Sun, 25 Apr 2010 00:00:00 -0700

I just saw a picture of the co-authors of “The Nanny Diaries” in their workspace. Not only was that workspace immaculate, but these two authors looked impeccable: gorgeous outfits, perfect makeup, flawless posture.

Does anyone actually write like that?

I will never be able to do a photo shoot in my “natural writing environment.” First of all, my home office is a study in chaos. I have suitcases in here I haven’t been able to bring myself to unpack in months... mainly because I can no longer find them under all the other clutter. The other day I had to sweetly tell my daughter, “Honey, it’s just not safe for you to climb around in Mommy’s office. We don’t know what’s in here; you could get hurt.”

Then there’s me. I need to be comfortable when I write. If I’m at home, I’m in my pajamas. And I’m not talking about Oprah-anointed sipping-tea-on-the-patio-in-Sunset-Magazine pajamas. It’s usually Pink Panther lounge pants and an old Charlie’s Angels T-shirt. Neither the colors nor the licensed characters match.

Of course, the photo shoot could conceivably take place at my other office... Panera Bread. It’s where I usually take my laptop on either Saturday or Sunday, since my daughter doesn’t handle it well when we’re both home and I’m working. For that outing I manage to get out of pajamas... and into the floppiest, coziest sweatpants I can find. I top that with a roomy T-shirt rubbed soft from age, and a big ol’ hoodie. On rare occasions, these items actually match. My hair is usually matted down on one side from bed, so I pull it back in a severe ponytail, and I top the ensemble with not my contact lenses, but my thick black-framed glasses.

Oh, and about half the time I’ll hit Panera right after an early morning marathon training run, so there’s a good shot that I don’t smell very good. I crawl into a booth in the back corner, pop on my noise-canceling headphones, crank up Pandora One (yes, I sprang for the upgrade -- totally worth it), and write.

As if all this weren’t enough to dissuade any photo spread possibilities, the other day a fellow Panerian approached and let me know that I actually act out what I’m writing as I write it. I mouth the dialogue, make weird faces, and occasionally even leap partway out of the booth.

So the crazy lady in the corner? Um, yeah... that’d be me. Bring on the magazine spreads!